It's a new day

Sleet is pounding the window right now, but I'm warm and cozy and fuzzy inside. I like that feeling.

I have a new outlook about this baby-making process today. Angela have both had a variety of feelings this week, from excited anticipation over the thought of future blessings, to bare-bones fear over the thought the family we desire so much may never happen. But a middle-of-the-road thought popped into my head a few minutes ago and I find it comforting.

We're closer to having children than we've ever been! For the first time, x and y chromosomes came together in the same place, and they just decided not to hook up and hang out for nine months. They may decide to do that next time. Or they may decide to do it six months from now. The bottom line is, there is now a chance where there was no chance before. We're closer than we've ever been.

That's where my thoughts are today. That adds a bit more coziness to the sleet.

I'm sad today

No baby this time.

It would have been rare for Angela to get pregnant on the first IUI attempt because the odds are heavily stacked against it, but we had our hopes up nonetheless. And it hurts to have them dashed. But we learned a lot about the process, and that will help us the next time.

So here I sit with anxiety and fear. What if it never happens? What if we go broke and still have no kiddos? What if, what if, what if?

If someone else started a sentence with "what if" I would immediately giggle and tell them how ridiculous they are for living in the "what ifs" and giving power to that phrase. But it's me who's saying it, and "what if" seems awfully valid right now. Fear is a powerful thing.

Angela worked on a Bible study last night for the 20something group at church that she co-leads, and the title of it was "One Blessing After Another." I just read over it and it talked about how God spends a lot of time preparing blessings, and goes to great lengths to make certain that everything happens at the proper time. The preparation of the blessing always takes a lot longer than the presentation, so it's pointless to question the timing. Once God decides it's time, the carefully placed dominoes begin to fall.

So we will continue to prepare.

I may be the one who pukes

I don't have any baby news yet. But the waiting is enough to make me yak. Have all of the symptoms just been a side effect of progesterone? Could there be a bun in the oven instead? It's nauseating for both of us.

Angela and I talked to her mom yesterday about this emotional tidal wave that we're on, and she said, "You know what, there is no way to avoid being disappointed if it doesn't work out this time." (Of course I was the one who asked how to bypass the disappointment phase.) It's just something we'll have to deal with and move on from there. We both believe that God has brought us to this point and won't just leave us hanging. There will be a positive result at some point, and we just have to move ahead with faith. But faith is scary sometimes. Okay, all the time.

Thanks for the support with this. I've gotten several inquiring emails already this morning, and the last one just said, "Well?" I wish I had some news. But it means a lot to know that ya all are pulling for us.

From now on, can you please send the well wishes coated in Pepto Bismol?

Still hoping for Thanksgiving puke!

This baby-making process is such a roller coaster. One minute I'm excited that Angela is on the verge of throwing up, and then I realize that it could just be a side effect of the progesterone that she's on. The good news is, she's been bloated, crampy, nauseous, and irritable for the past several days. The bad news is, all of that could have been caused by drugs. [Insert funny, loud tongue noise here! Pooey!] I'll never take plain ole, unprovoked, non-drug-induced nausea for granted again. It rocks!

She said she ate an M&M last week and she usually loves them, but this time it tasted really bad. Can progesterone make that happen? Does it mess with your taste buds? Am I insane for wondering whether or not every little thing is a sign of pregnancy?

She just IMmed me and said she's not nauseous at all today. Just hungry. What does that mean? Does progesterone mess with metabolism, or is there a little tiny spec of a baby in there asking for food?

As you can see, we have more questions than answers at this point. We should play Pregnancy Jeopardy! Progesterone for $200 please, Alex.

Yay for headaches

Angela had a headache Tuesday night and that excites me. Actually, she has had a dull headache all week. Headaches can be an early sign of pregnancy because of the rush of hormones. Elevated body temperature can also be a sign, and she has been even hotter than usual lately. She finally let me turn the heat on this morning! She was burning up last night when I crawled into bed at 1am; like sizzling hot. Yay for my little heater! Fingers crossed that that is a good thing. Most people don't even know they might be pregnant at this point and they ignore all the little body changes. We're paying attention.

Nausea, sensitivity to smell, and fatigue can also be early signs of pregnancy and she hasn't experienced any of those. Who knows! We'll find out for sure in a couple of weeks, and if she's not pregnant now we'll keep trying until we get it right.

It's hard for an over-analytical, slightly obsessive control freak like me to just "wait and see." I have to fight the urge to nit-pick every possible symptom. Oh, you're hot? You're pregnant! You have a headache? Sweet!! Perhaps she just has the flu! Oh what an interesting, roller-coaster-ish adventure this shall be.

Every time I cook something she remarks how great it smells in the house. If she develops an aversion to those scents, I'm going to be thrilled! That will be a definite sign. I hope the smell of Thanksgiving dinner next week makes her puke. Ha! A roller coaster ride I tell ya.

This is something you'll never hear me talk about on the radio

On the way home from the doctor's office this morning I asked Angela what baby-makin' details she wanted me to release out into the wild blue yonder known as Blogville, and she said that was entirely up to me. She has no reservations about being completely honest about the process that we're going through. She's literally been an open book these past few months anyway, so why stop now! She said if we can help or encourage someone else by being open, then go for it. I guess I'll just reveal what feels natural.

I had to laugh this morning. We got to the hospital a little before 9:00, and we had to pick up "Klaus" before we went to our doctor's office. (Klaus was donated in California, and came to us via Fed-Ex and freezers if you recall.) Anyway, after we signed for Klaus they released him to us in a little tiny vial inside of a large styrofoam cup with a plastic lid on top. It was my job to carry Klaus through the halls of the hospital and up to our doctor's office. I kept the sticker that displayed Angela's name and ID number facing my chest, so to an outsider it probably just looked like I was carrying a large cup of coffee. I blew across the top every once in awhile just for good measure. Ha!

Once we got to our doctor's office we had to sit in the waiting room for a few minutes, and I sat there with Klaus in my lap. There was no way I was going to set that cup down next to a bunch of magazines. The contents were far too valuable. And LIGHT. It felt like I was carrying an empty cup. But I digress. As we were sitting there waiting we had a chance to look over the computer print-out that came with Klaus and we noticed that there were 4.2 million little guys swimming around in this styrofoam cup. 4.2 million, right there in my lap! Let me just say, there is a definite sense of urgency that goes along with carrying that kind of precious cargo, and it makes waiting in the waiting room for any amount of time seem a bit gratuitous. Don't these people know time's a wastin'? We have 4.2 million reasons to beat your door down! But it wasn't long before Angela's name was called, and that produced a big, uncontrollable smile on her face. I was just concentrating on keeping Klaus steady. I handed him over to the doctor's assistant once we were in our room, and yada yada yada, the next thing we knew the doctor was telling Angela to lie there and rest for fifteen minutes. And then we were alone. Angela got teary-eyed as we sat there visiting and praying. Prior to this experience I think I've seen her cry once in the 8 years that we've been together. In the past week I think I've seen her cry three times. I didn't think we could grow much closer, but this experience is already having that effect. It was a pretty cool moment today. And a great reminder that this will be an interesting, highly-emotional ride!

So now we wait. And pray.

Happy Feet!

Official copy:

Mix has HAPPY FEET! Join Jen Austin tonight from 6p - 8p at Blockbuster directly across from Firewheel Town Center on Lavon Drive in Garland! (George Bush Turnpike and Higway 78) We'll have passes to the Mix Sneak Peek of HAPPY FEET while they last, Dallas Zoo prize packs, Blockbuster gift cards, an Acros mp3 player and more!

Jen's editorial comment:

This is going to be huge!! Blockbuster is going all out with the prizes, so stop on by to get yours!

Sun, moon, stars, and the treadmill

Angela has been to the doctor every other day this week and she has another appointment on Saturday. They sure are thorough! But everything is progressing as it should and the actual baby-making attempt will happen really really soon. Yay! Exciting and scary, and SO many variables in play. The analogy that the doctor uses is this: the stars, the moon, and the sun all have to align at exactly the right time and then you'll get pregnant. I guess that's what makes babies a miracle! It really is a wondrous process. It makes me grateful to be alive.

This is pretty much all we're thinking about right now. Since the treadmill is broken, I've started jogging outside, and my mind is on babies (and how our lives are going to change) the whole time I'm out there. But it's kinda relaxing really. Sidebar--I never thought I would be jogging on purpose at any point in my life, but it's really not so bad! I had a lot of pent up energy at the end of last week and I felt like my body was about to explode because it couldn't do any treadmilling, but now it feels great, like every cell is breathing and happy. So screw you treadmill! We might just leave you broken because I've found a way to circumvent your offerings. Until it's 40 degrees outside at least. Then I can always go back to running up and down the stairs. I will not be defeated by electronic conveyor belts I tell ya!

So back to babies. If you're the prayin' kind, please pray for us. I'm not going to put the timeline out here in cyberland, but God knows what it is and will surely apply your prayers to what has already been set in motion. So thanks!

I like being a loser

I voted today. I know everyone I voted for is going to lose bad! Ha! At least I'm prepared.

But you know what? The majority doesn't always make the best decisions. All that it means to be in the majority is that you--like many others--have a skewed and warped perspective. How about that! I'm cracking myself up.

Anyway, I much prefer life in the margins. The weather is nice out here on the limbs, and there is nothing to fear. And this is where the revolutionary ideas happen. They start on the outside and move in gradully, and the liven up that boring ole majority along the way.

So don't forget to vote today! It took some motivation for me to actually haul my butt down there and stand in line, but I did it for all those people that tell me my vote does indeed count. I hope it does.

Back in the closet...

...but only for a weekend. That's because we had some work to do in there! Otherwise the closet is just way too stuffy and confining.

We're making one of the bedrooms into a nursery, just in case this artificial insemination thing really does work. We're not buying cribs or anything yet. We have plenty of organizing, praying, and preparing to do first.

At the beginning of the weekend, this closet was full of bank statements, decorative wreaths, boxes of old photos, camera equipment and just piles and piles of crap. Now all of that has either been thrown away, or moved to another room and organized with much more diligence. We made major progress. And this is what's left! A crate filled with a few toys that kids might be able to play with, an empty laundry basket, one of my old jewelry boxes, and a picture of me when I was little. The girl on the right is some random girl that came with the frame and yet looks eerily like me. My baby photo is on the left.

Good times.

Cardio withdrawls

Last Thursday I got on the treadmill for my daily workout, and the lights on the display panel blinked at me once, and then went out and they never returned. The treadmill died, right then and there. I tried to do treadmill CPR, but to no avail. I used it so much, I killed it.

This is among the five worst things that could happen to me! I despise the "haven't worked out" feeling, and I've had it now for eight days. I've been walking fast outside, lifting weights, and running up and down the stairs until I sweat and my legs are about to crumble beneath me, but it's just not the same. The treadmill is perfect cardio for me. My appetite, my feeling of lightness, and my overall energy level were all regulated by 45 minutes on the treadmill. Now I'm all out of whack. I'm not a runner, but I may have to start trotting through the neighborhood just so I feel like my lungs have been stretched.

By the way, the other four worst things that could happen to me are: running out of Grape Nuts Trail Mix Crunch, forgetting to use a $5 off coupon, drying my favorite jeans by accident instead of letting them air dry, and finding out that this is the one week that Science Diet dog food is not on sale at Petco. Serious stuff.

I've called several peeps about getting the treadmill fixed, and I'll spare you the technical details, but it would cost between $300 and $400 to repair it with the cost of labor and everything. That's a vial of sperm!! We're trying to have a baby for Pete's sake. We can't be putting money toward my exercise addiction.

On that note, Angela starts one of two fertility drugs tonight. She just finished the first doctor's appointment of the cycle this morning, and all is well so we can move forward. I'm torn between providing a whole lot of detail and being completely vague during this process. I could tell you the exact date we're going to inseminate, but then I think that's too much pressure and I would rather just say one day, "Ta dah! We're preggers." But that might be two years from now. Who knows how successful we will be. We haven't reached a point of frustration yet, so for now it's all exciting! And completely scary. And exciting.

I have to go walk fast outside now and then run up and down the stairs like a complete moron. At least the dogs do the stairs with me, so I'm working them out too. Good times. I miss my treadmill.

Cutest Halloween animals ever

Check out these little cuties! Seeing these pictures makes me miss my nieces SO much. Jada was a tiger and Ciara was a ladybug last night. Jada even has tiger-tinted hair! And a tail, but you can't see that.

Ciara is wearing Jada's old ladybuy outfit. Don't you just want to squeeze her?